=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= old ghosts ---------- [ vignette ] i dated this guy for a long time. he used to beat me. it was kinda funny in a fucked up way, since at the time i was self-abusing. (you know, cutting and burning yourself in order to feel pain, which is better than feeling nothing.) so, whenever the numbness started to rush over me, i would harass him until he punched me. once i remember being in the snow, wearing boxers and a tee shirt. no shoes. i wasn't allowed to wear shoes in case i ran away. i was on the ground cause he dumped me there. i had done something like not eat the food he brought me or some fucked up thing. he was wearing these huge combat boots, steel toed. i remember watching the boots hurtling toward my face and realizing that something was going to break once they caught me square enough. once he was done with my face he went after my ribs and belly. again and again. i didn't say anything. i just watched the snow fall and breathed in the cold air, allowing the crispness to fill my lungs. [ vignette ii ] i was in the shower. i like my showers hot, so hot that my legs are red and scalded when i get out. i hadn't eaten in three days. (anorexia is a bitch.) i felt faint. i knew i was gonna go. i called for my father, who thought i had soap in my eyes. he brought me a towel, but i couldn't see it. everything was going black. when i didn't reach for it he whipped open the shower curtain in time to see my eyes roll back into my head as i fell to the hard slippery porcelain. when i awakened, my mother gave me a glass of orange juice. i waited until she left and i flushed it down the toilet. then i got on the scale. 92. only 15 more pounds to go. i admired my bones in the mirror. [ vignette iii ] i was running, running from the unit i had been assigned to. it was christmas eve. it was cold and dark. i didn't want to be there on christmas. they kept making me eat and they had to watch me piss. i hated it. one of the mhw's (mental health workers) caught up with me and threw me to the ground. (no no no) two others grabbed my legs and they dragged me to the isolation unit. the floor was concrete and the walls were made out of sheet rock. there was a single all cotton fouton in the middle of the room. it was the perfect place, so white. i smashed the walls over and over again with my elbows until they were blue and swollen. i screamed, a primal rage that tore my throat. i kicked a nurse in the stomach. they injected me and tied me to the bed. sleep. the next morning my mother arrived with christmas presents. my arms were torn and bloody. my face was black and blue. how could she love me? how could anyone? Palpable Obscure =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Files through AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=