=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Riddle Me This -------------- I'm driving to work this morning and there is this female DJ on complaining that her fiancee doesn't trust her because he won't give her his voice messaging pin number. Now, while the easy thing would be to start harping on her about that, and thinking in the non-linear fashion I do, I was puzzled by something else completely. How Operation Engagement Ring became a success. Just to clear things up, I don't mean the "two months salary" crap that was worked out at the Malta Wedding Conference between the male world leaders of the day and the New York diamond merchants. No, gentleman, that is still as low a moment as the day we agreed to strap and the harness and mow the lawn into the foreseeable future. What I refer to is the very fact we get women to wear these things. I mean, we have taken a natural fondness of jewelry, an obsession with diamonds, and the insatiable need for romance, and combined them to sell the greatest territory-marker in history. Yes gentlemen, where once our pre-evolved ancestors would mark a patch of land and a bride in the same stream of urine, for the small price of two-months salary (compared of course to relieving ourselves on our lawn and loved-ones) we can now proclaim our tactics have evolved as well. Think about it for a moment: In the new prison release system, they now fit convicts with transponders or "bracelets" in order to track their movements while on work-release or house arrest. These bracelets send out a signal that allows prison officials to monitor the location of the offenders, and announces to the community "I am a criminal and have been tagged by the MAN!" Romantically, we have a device our own to this end. The engagement ring. This combination of stone and metal is a very heart-felt transponder that allows the men of the world to sleep at night. Once we find a women we love enough to sacrifice our happiness for in the name of marriage, we now have a new dilemma to wrestle with. Now most men don't think "Hey, if she goes out dancing without me, someone might sleep with my chick!" Now, these same men think "Hey, if she goes out dancing without me, someone might sleep with my future bride and possible mother of my children!" Now, the male pride is being challenged on an almost unthinkable level. The panic equals that of the moment that you realize that you finally lost the tv remote FOR GOOD. So what are we willing to do to make up for this? Cough up two-months salary of course. Think gentlemen: "Honey, will you marry me and be the happiest yadda-yadda-yadda" Green light. Slap on the wedding shackle. Yes, that ring now announces to the surrounding men that she isn't completely taken yet, but she might as well be. You have spent so much damn money on the most obvious and unmistakable symbol of "stay away from her chumps", that it will not go unnoticed. Why do engaged men seem to be happier than married or even single men? They have the best of two worlds. They are superior to single males by virtue of: 1) No longer having to date - Gone is the humiliation of meeting women, the ordeal of the date, and the financial loss of the whole fiasco. In fact, after engagement, most men don't even take their fiancee out any more, thus getting back the money spent on the ring. 2) Romantic down-time - You've made one of the single most romantic gestures and are making plans for an even bigger one. For the next few months you can sit on those laurels. 3) Marking your territory - As previously stated, instead of pissing on someone, you've instead pissed away cash. At least get some sleep. They are superior to married men by virtue of: 1) Let the wallet fly wide open again: Engagement is straddled with a single expense, namely, the ring. Now, nothing short of a car, home, and matching dinette set will begin to satisfy the beast that is married life. 2) The honeymoon not having started, letting alone being over - The vows taken, the cake eaten, the honeymoon taken, the inevitable "So what now" look from the new bride. Yes men, time to dust off those laurels and start to impress all over again. 3) Your matching transponder - Yes, the party is officially over. You too have a ring. That is the part that amazes me most. For a number of months, you convinced the women you love to wear this ring while you escaped scott free. While her hand is announcing her engagement to the world, unless you pipe up, you could pass off the biggest scam since the black guy on Hogan's Heroes would don a uniform and pass himself off as a Nazi officer. She is taken, and you none of the same marking. In theory, you are still a free man. How was this allowed? I give women huge credit in the brains department, yet this one slipped right past the early warning system. Men, by and large, find fidelity a hard concept to begin with. Women, in turn, are WELL aware of it. Yet, they end up being tagged like a baby seal by Jim the hunter in a Mutual Omaha's Wild Kingdom episode while we now have the potential of continuing to hunt gazelles uninhibited. Is this a test? Have we been duped? Are we being set up for failure? For all we know from the moment we giving her a ring, our phones are being tapped. On the other hand, this could just be a clever maneuver to allow a man to get used to the crushing pressure of a committed relationship by allowing him sit in the decompression chamber of engagement to avoid a case of the emotional bends brought on unfathomable depths of marriage. Well, perhaps. While I was so willing to tote a victory, I now think I've instead uncovered a clever ruse. So clever, it seems that BOTH sides seem to lose. Have I just reached the point comparable to the reaction the Warren Commission should have had when ammunition was proclaimed to be "magical"? Since there is still only a lone gunman written into the history books, I will not try to solve this enigma today. Point being: Until the day the engagement process takes on a level of seriousness as the "exploding shackle" from The Running Man where your bride-to-be loses the whole hand if she tries to take it off or get more that 1000 feet from you, I think we should focus our efforts on determining why every Valentine's Day we spend good money on floral arrangements that have started to die before they are even delivered on day that symbolizes the optimism of love lasting forever. So it goes. 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